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McKeefry Banner – January 2017

10 ways to tell if you’re turning into an Irish mammy

The Irish mammy — a revered figure [Picture: iStock]
The Irish mammy — a revered but much-loved figure [Picture: iStock]
THE Irish mammy is a revered figure – indeed currently the most famous Irish ‘mammy’, Mrs Brown, is about to get her own chat show on the BBC.

But even if you haven’t got your heart set on being a television host, you might just suspect you’re turning into yer ma – small tell tale signs like saying to your flatmate: “Why don’t you stay in and watch The Rose of Tralee? Sure it’s grand craic.”

So, in conjunction with The Irish Post’s social affairs department, we’ve come up with 10 tell-tale signs that indicate you could be turning into an Irish mammy.

A fixation with draught excluders — is it a genetic thing? [Picture: iStock]
A fixation with draught excluders — is it a genetic thing? [Picture: iStock]

You’ve just bought your first draught excluder

An Irish mammy’s primary task is to make sure the children (in Northerly parts the childer, or the weans) are warm and protected from all draughts.

This may well be a genetic imprint passed down through the generations; after all we do come from the windiest country in the EU (official).

So you may very well find yourself eyeing up some cute excluders – ones that are got up to look like funny snakes are particularly popular with Irish mammies.

Irish mammies aren't keen on you making a holy show of yourself [Picture: iStock]
Irish mammies aren’t keen on you making a holy show of yourself [Picture: iStock]

The hot water bottle becomes your best friend

Once the children are warm the next duty of an Irish mammy is to make sure you’re warm yourself so you can carry out further mammy duties such as saying: “You’re not going out dressed like that, are you?”

Be on your guard; if the hot water bottle has become indispensable to you, acute mammyhood may have set in.

An Irish mammy will cross-examine you on all manner of subjects [Picture: iStock]
An Irish mammy will cross-examine you on all manner of subjects [Picture: iStock]

Your social chit-chat takes on a surprising twist

If you find yourself asking people when they’re going to have a baby, get married, get engaged, Irish mammyhood could have progressed quite significantly.

You’ve taken to hoarding carrier bags

Looks like you’ve become a mammy as well as a magpie.

Everybody looks fierce young [Picture: iStock]
Everybody appears to be getting younger [Picture: iStock]

You find everybody fierce young these days

From policemen to weather forecasters, everyone is beginning to look wild young to the Irish mammy.

The weather has become a major topic of conversation

Alright, we all talk about the weather in Ireland.

Quite often if you say: ‘It’s a grand day’ what you mean is, ‘Hi, I’m quite friendly and open for a chat if you are’.

However, if you find yourself constantly moaning about the weather, this should be taken as a serious sign that you’re segueing into your mammy.

The iron has become as indispensable as your smartphone

This is a big step towards mammydom.

Should you find yourself ironing everything from pillowcases to underwear, as well as jeans, then it’s probably just a short step to buying a packet of Werther’s Originals.

Your choice in television programmes has changed

Look out if you find yourself saying ‘I do miss The Last of the Summer Wine‘.

As one critic put it: “For heaven’s sake, how many times can you find three men on board a runaway trailer hurtling down a hill, funny?”

Tidying up has become a big thing

If you find yourself on holiday vacuuming the hotel room at 9 o’clock – no, on second thoughts, make that anytime – then it’s time to take stock.

"Ah ye will, ye will, ye will" [Picture: iStock]
“Ah ye will, ye will, ye will” [Picture: iStock]

If you use tea as a universal elixir

If you think copious volumes of tea is the answer to most problems, then (a) you’re sadly misguided, and (b) you may well be turning into an Irish mammy.

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Kelly Bar – MPU – January

Mal Rogers
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Mal Rogers is a columnist and reporter with The Irish Post

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